I'm laying on the couch watching Jeopardy. I woke up at one in the afternoon.
I'm so lazy and I don't know what to do about it. I just like doing nothing. But it also depresses me. I feel like I am the only one I know that is not trying. Trying to do anything. To get a job. I know I would be happier if I had a job. I know I would feel a little better (some of the time) with a bad job (i.e. a retail job or such). I know I would be happy getting up and doing creative art jobs. Yesterday my dad offered me $200 to do a largish painting of elf's playing in the snow. And one of the first things I thought was "free" money. Its funny that I would think that. That I would think that painting (doing art) would be like getting paid for doing nothing. Does that tell you something? That I love doing art. So I would love to get a job doing art. Wake up everyday and be around like people. Getting new jobs with various subject matters. Testing and expanding my art and brain. But what do I do? I do nothing. Yesterday I doodled some outer space Christmas drawings for a card I had an idea for. Did I do anything towards getting that $200? No. I even went to my dads office and had him print two things to sell on Etsy but I realized I don't have the original scans that he did, to put on the site, so I gave up. The only thing I can say I have accomplished since I graduated was losing seven pounds. But even then. I wait home alone all day with the dog, waiting for mom to come home from work. I sleep till the afternoon. I usually don't eat till she comes home. I watch tv. Doodle. Play stupid games online. I do nothing productive. And you would think that because it makes me feel like such an ass I would something about it. But I don't. I don't know what I need to do to get going. I think I am just waiting for something to be handed to me.
I recently came up with a fantasy, where I get a job at Hallmark in the creative division in Missouri. And I meet a gorgeous Asian guy who works in the Hallmark corporate office. We fall in love. Get secretly married and we go to China (or where ever he is from) afterwards. Its silly. But I have to live in my head or I think I would be dead. So why am I not out there trying to get a job somewhere? I know one reason is, that I don't want to leave home. As much as it may make me crazy or depressed, I don't want to leave my family and Maisy because they aren't going to be around forever and I don't want to leave them and miss my time with them. I know it may sound silly that I would rather just start my life when everyone I love is dead so I could be selfish and do my thing. But if I waited till that happened I would be an old woman. I know I shouldn't think about that I will miss my time with my family but they are really the only people I love (except for a small handful of friends).
I know I long for winning money in the lottery, but I realize it wouldn't make me happy. It might make things easier. It would take the stress off. And maybe while the money was being spent to buy nice things and to travel to place we could never afford. It wouldn't get me a job. I would still be depressed at the end of it all. I know I use my depression as a crutch. But it just seems like a weight. A weight that I'm not sure is me or the depression. Is it the depression that makes me want to do nothing? Or is it that I would be sad leaving home? Or is it that I really am just fucking lazy? I've had over five months since I graduated and I cant say I have done anything productive. I meant to open an etsy account...never happened. I haven't even fucking unpacked! No, I have not even fully unpacked since I left CalArts. There was a huge suitcase of clothes that I think my mom finally unpacked for me. My room is a disaster and I feel too overwhelmed to do anything about it.
I no longer talk to Megan. I was tired of trying and getting nothing back. I really think it's true, that when it becomes long distance you really find out who your real friends are. From CalArts I only talk to...Benton. I talk to Ashley sometimes. And that is it. I hardly talk to Rachel. I hardly talk to Jess. Do you know what it feels like to have NO ONE here? I literally have no friends in this city or State for that matter. Sure there are people I know from high school but really they are all now friends I only see when I want to see Rachel and she is out with other people...and she doesn't live here.
I tried to get a job at The Disney Store. But it was too late, they already did their hiring. I tried at Toys R Us too. But I never heard back. The babysitting didn't go well. I never heard back from Disney TV. That would have be fantastic to get a job there, well at least I imagine it would be. I really am just waiting till next spring when the summer internship programs start. If I don't get anything then. Then I have said that I would move to Anaheim and work at Disneyland. But then I think, why would I move away from home to get a job to just make money? Never mind. I know that there is no guarantee of a job here or any where.
I wish drinking Dr. Pepper didn't make me fat. Because it is the only thing, like a vice that I do. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't go out and have sex. I don't even have any damn friends. So it sucks even more that I cant just drink Dr. Pepper everyday.
I just wish I knew what I could do to get me to DO SOMETHING. I have more than enough free time to do just about anything. So why cant I just sit down and do art everyday and create a childrens book? Or why cant I sit down and teach myself how to animate in Flash and make a cute short? I really could be doing AAAAANNNNNYYYYYTHING I want. I could have painted the house a dozen times over since I graduated.
I guess I am just annoyed with myself. And I don't know what to do about it.

I just watched the cutest Korean film called Seducing Mr. Right. It melted my heart. I want love and affection so badly.

As of late I have been hoping that I die in my sleep. Hope to get bit by a deadly bug. Get killed by a meteor. And its just fucking fantastic to be so alone. I guess you can tell who your real friends are when you no longer live in the same state with them. The only person I talk to anymore is Benton. And even then I'm the one who initiates the conversation. I haven't talked to Megan in a long time cause the last time I talked to her all she could say was that she won $500 in this art contest I told her about. She doesn't contact me, ever. She couldn't even ask me how I was doing. Ashely called me earlier tonight. Which I appreciate except I am too depressed to hear about silly problems right now. Its just great being alone, broke and unmotivated. And I am tired of writing about those three things, because it seems like nothing ever changes.
I've kind of just been waiting for my mom to go to sleep so I can cry. And it just seems like no one cares.

Jessica Desaulniers-Lea October 22 at 12:53am

well, I can see you're on a "hating life" thing, and I don't blame you...but I thought I'd irritate you anyway:)

While looking for my stupid checkbook I emptied out my drawers of chaos, old film, old bills, pastels, woodworking tools, crap crap crap, and came across this taping of a psychic reading I had done in California by a Celebrity Psychic that my mom was working with on some morning TV show.
I went to her house when I was 14 cause my parents were worried about me, I think my mom thought it'd be good for me (I had just had Dzuy arrested and bla bla you know that whole stupid story). So go figure my weird mum sends me to a top psychic.

Anyway, i put the tape in (10 years later!) and about 10 minutes in she stops and she says ....." Do you know a 'Lisa?'" On the tape I say "no, I've never known a Lisa. And she says "well, I can see there is going to be a Lisa in your life who'll be quite significant...around 19 or so, there will be extreme isolation with her, a lot of difficulty, a lot of disappointment, but it'll have an impact on your life." And ya da ya da.

I remember at the time thinking she was kind of phony for saying certain things, cause I thought she meant within a few months or 2 years down the line...and nothing ever happened from it...but some of the shit she said on the tape all happened around 18/19. She said, "you'll always go back to songwriting" etc etc, which I totally forgot about cause at the time I hadn't touched a piano in like 9 years, and never played in high school. She brought up Sierra to, which at the time I barely knew, he was just the smelly guy with the 1969 buick in the school parking lot..
Anyway, I'm rambling. But it was just weird to listen to it, and to hear myself at 14! WTF! Psychic shit is weird. I have 2 more psychic tapes from that guy on Vancouver Island, but I'm scared to put them in.


Anyway, "hi" Lisa from the tape.



Also, I'm waiting for my Etsy phonecall, lady, my sister and I are sponsoring another burlesque event for Halloween and I know people will check out the site and may just buy a few kinky Lisa Christmas cards!

Jess

I have to get up early to call about loans. Apparently they have been harassing my grandfather who co-signed and I need to call and try to defer it for a while. But it's not like Gary could call ME. No, I had to get a post it note from my dad being mean that I am apparently ignoring calls from the loan people...even though they have NEVER called me. So last week my mom and I called and we needed a loan account number. Which I don't have. I was never apart of the loan process so I know NOTHING. My mom calls Gary to see if he has it and can give it to us. He doesn't either. Then we get a call from my aunt who must have talked to Gary and Prudy and she is telling me to defer it like she has done in the past and that I need to take care of it NOW cause I am fucking up her parents financially. Then this weekend my dad says he has all the loan papers at his office so I need to come in on Monday and take care of it with Pat. Well, Monday is Columbus Day so they are closed so earlier tonight my dad calls and says that I need to come to the office TOMORROW cause I am fucking up Gary and Prudy's finances and that my dad is gonna have to take care of that. So, my grandparents have no money. My dad has no money. My mom has no money. I have no money. I feel like I am drowning. I feel like shit. I feel like I am not going ANYWHERE with my life. Going no where.
I'm not gonna lie. I am honestly thinking of how I could get out of this life. Pills and alcohol seems like an okay way to go.
I had no part in signing up for the loan. I wasn't even there when it happened. I never was, for any of the loans and now I'm expected to take care of all of them. Do you know how intimidatingly large my loans are. $100,000+. I feel bad because I feel like I got nothing from school anyway. I don't want to be the reason for fucking up ANYONE'S finances. But even if I took myself out, all the money problems I caused wouldn't go away.
I'm in tears. I feel like a huge loser. I have no money. No job. No hope of a job. I make a max of sixty fucking dollars a week. I have no one here. I don't even have myself. I am barely functioning. I slept all day today. I couldn't even get up the will to paint a card for my sisters birthday yesterday. I don't see how life is gonna get any better. I really wish I had the fucking guts to kill myself.
I'm so lonely. I have no friends. I don't even have myself. I am losing it. I am not strong. I am currently unable to take care of myself. I am mentally weak. When all else failed I could at least turn to myself...actually I don't think that has ever been true. I feel shattered. Everyone else seems to be functioning. They have jobs. Friends. Money. Living on their own. Not mentally losing it. Not depressed. I wonder what that feel like? Feels like to not live in my cloud. To not have depression and be a functional human being. Before I became depressed, I was too young. I don't even know how I used to feel. I don't remember. What's it like to be self motivated? To want to get out of bed in the morning...just that thought alone is making me sob. I serve no purpose here. I really don't. I am just a ball of depression, hatred, jealousy, fright, sadness, loneliness.
I would rather just get my judgment from God over with.
There are two things I would want right now. And the fact that I want to die, is making me cry. But I would take death or money. At this point it wouldn't be for anything other than giving it to my family that is struggling. To alleviate the pressure of our lack of money.
And since I don't feel like I have the courage to off myself, I hope, almost every time I leave the house I secretly hope that I get killed in an accident. I don't want to out live the people I love anyway. It would be easier to die first. And yes, I am well aware that death is a cop out. But do you know how it feels to have my brain? My dark brain? Filled with hurt?
This sucks.

Never mind, I take it back, I hope I get the N1H1 virus and die.

I'm very lonely and sad. And my body aches, I hope I am not getting sick.

One day last week I couldn't sleep, I was awake till 6 am. Around 4:30 or 5 am I let Maisy outside and I stood on the patio and looked up at the sky. It was still dark out I could see lots of beautiful stars. One, was moving. Slowly across the sky. At first I thought "could it be a shooting star?" But I have seen shooting stars (which I know are actually just meteoroids that burn up in Earths atmosphere) and they move much quicker than the one I watched go by over head. Of course I thought it could be a plane or a UFO but it looked just like a star, not a plane. Then I thought "maybe its a satellite." It was moving is a perfect line across the sky. I decided it was a satellite. I saw my first satellite. Drifting across the dark, early morning sky.


I just found this online:
"You can see satellites pass overhead from a dark site...What you see is sunlight reflected from the satellite: since the satellite is higher up in the sky, it may not be in the Earth's shadow even though you are...You can tell that an object you see is a satellite rather than a plane or star because it will move steadily across the night sky over the period of a few minutes, often "disappearing" as it crosses into the Earth's shadow."

When I went to the movies with my dad on Saturday, there was a preview for Daybreakers. The movie looks semi interesting but what I remembered most was the song. And tonight I thought "wasn't there a song played in a preview that I liked?" It took me bit to remember what the preview was. But I remembered and then found the song. Its "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo. Its, powerful sounding. And my favorite line in the song is "And if I only could, make a deal with God and get him to swap out places." The part I like is 'make a deal with god.' Made me wonder, what if I could make a deal with god myself. What would that deal be? What would be my part of the deal? Live forever? Ask for peace? Health? or would it be Gods deal? Would he be making a deal with me, wanting me do something or get something from me? And what would each party being willing to do, to give. If I asked to live for a hundred years, in my mind, what would a god want from me?
If you could make a deal with God, what would you want? Would your God be good or evil?
I wouldn't assume a god would want a/my soul, I would think my soul already belonged to God.
I cant say I would want to live forever. Or even an unusually long time because the growth and developments of the world and humans I don't think would make up for the loss and pain of those I love. But I would have to think about it. And what would a God possibly want? Missionary work for the rest of your life seems silly. Silence? I don't know. I guess this all sounds kind of silly period.
What if the deal was to know the answers to life's questions? What would you give up for that? What would you be willing to do for those answers. I think...why would God just tell you. Why would he just GIVE them to you. Wouldn't he want something for it? Or is our mortal time here our deal for the answers? Our suffering here is a deal made?
I need to be up in four and a half hours to babysit. I only lose a little bit of my soul for $12 an hour.

I wish everyone could feel just a sliver of the pain I feel right now. I'm not even in one of my lowest lows, but it hurts. It hurts, tears well up from it. You wonder how a human could ever function like this. And this is when you are on meds. Imagine the pain when you are sober.
Noel says she feels insecure about her work. I said it never seems like it. She says its an illusion. So all artists must be insecure about their work on some level. How can you even be an artist when you are insecure about what people will think of what you create? I don't know how I manage. I am told that I am talented. By many. But when I send out my portfolio I imagine people looking at it laughing inside, the way I do when I see bad art. I see it sitting next to art a thousand times better, getting skipped over. These thoughts are like a million rejections all at once. Noel said, she had to get over taking it personally. But I don't see how that can be done because what I create is an extension of me and some one not liking it, is like them disliking me. Rejecting my art, is rejecting me. And the jealousy I feel when I look at art that is good. What a horrible existence to be an artist. But I would never want to live another way. And the fear of the thought that if I lost my mental problems, that I might lose my art scares me from ever wishing I didn't have them.

Haven't written anything in a while, so here is a message I sent to Ashley. She posted a video link on facebook about why we need government run health care. She finally said she was gonna move to England where people actually give a shit about each other.
I don't like hearing about, talking about or even thinking about government or politics. Once in a blue moon will I ever EVER bring it up. And maybe I shouldn't have said anything about her post but I did. So anyway. I wrote this:

Okay, so I'm gonna tell you a story.
Last Saturday my dad and I go see The Final Destination in 3D, cause its good gruesome 3D fun. The movie starts at one am, Its rated R and sitting two rows behind us is a family with three kids. Two boys probably 5 and 7 and an infant girl. Not only was the movie gruesome and may be considered scary for young kids, it also had a full nudity sex scene. And when we left the littlest one was telling his dad "I wasn't scared. It didn't scare me." It took every ounce of being to not tell that mother she was a horrible parent for letting her two young boys see this movie. Anyway, my point is how am I supposed to care for others when they so obviously don't care for themselves and their own children? These parents couldn't be bothered to spend the time of the money to get a babysitter to watch their kids. Chances are they took their kids to this movie because THEY wanted to see it. I have been to so many scary movies with little kids in them, I can't even count anymore. One time I will never forget, in the same row as my dad and myself there was a little child with their parents going to see a horror/killer film with Angelina Jolie in it and not ten minutes into the film a guy kicks a guys head into a car coming down the road and the little kid lets out a blood curdling scream. I was so steamed. So, when I see people who cant even be bothered with trying to raise their own children, I don't see any reason why I should care about these people. The only ones I care about are the kids and I can't do anything about their shitty parents. So when those two boys grow up and become violent and sexually active at a young age, everyone else has to pay for them. The STD they contracted or the court and possibly their jail time (yes, it is extreme but not truly impossible) will be paid for by us. And my not caring is just one in a million, which makes you sad, I know. My best friend Jess who I met at CalArts and lives in Canada, she shares your views, and she and I just agree not to talk about this kind of stuff because it goes no where and it upsets us both.
I love you so much. And I think its great that you care, but that's not how I am. And when myself and my family are extremely low on money and the government wants to take OUR money that we need to keep our house and buy our food and wants to put it in a big pot so people who don't work can have money while we lose our house, just isn't right to me. And maybe your parents don't have money problems but my mom has been having to put house payments on credit cards cause she has no money and it hurts.
That's my side. I see your side. We see each others sides.

Other than that. I have been F.I.N.E. I have been making paper-mache pumpkins for Halloween. And I need to call Rachel.

No one posts in their live journals anymore.
The four pounds I lost, are back. I misread the dead line on a cash prize/possible job offer contest and didn't have the art finished for it.
I am so fucking alone and depressed, its just like being back in high school. I have no one here, I am so lonely and I am unmotivated. I have no one and it is starting to get to me. Maybe because there is no hope in sight, I am not going back to California for school, so I have no friends on the horizon, so to speak.
Maybe I didn't pay enough attention to the submission deadline subconsciously, self sabotage. I also wasted two days in which I could have finished the submission, had I payed attention to the date.
But, today I did get a USB audio adapter which has let me hear the glorious sound that comes from my computer. Its sad that that is what I am reduced to. Joy of sound. So I can watch my stupid shows online.
I just want to die. And I know I say it a lot. But I'm back to it again. I'm back to hating myself. To hating life. To wanting to get out of this place. I don't like leaving the house unless I have to. My nanny job sucks. I hate myself. I have NO FUCKING MONEY. I don't do art. I have no job prospects AT ALL. I am a lame horse that should be shot.
Just put me out of my lonely, self loathing misery. Please.

I've been watching this show called Greek, about college fraternities/sororities. Its a stereotypical show about college life. The episode I just watched was about spring break, and its not that the show made me depressed but its not helping. I am slowly realizing that my college life is over. I never went on a wild spring break. I never made friends that will last the rest of my life, Megan hardly talks to me. I don't know why. I can only guess that she is stressed and depressed about not having a job and has too much pride like always to admit it. But I don't a friend that cant talk to me. I cant talk to her either cause I hate things being one sided with a good friend. I think I will just stop trying. I think we have grown apart and I don't need waste my time anymore I guess. The only people I still really talk to are Noel, Benton and Ashley. And maybe those are the friends that will last. I've been sleeping a lot and I gained back the few pounds I lost. I burst into tears last night talking to Ashley and I am crying now. I am in a horrible place. And I just sleep it off.
I just sent Megan a message about how I feel. Probably was stupid. But its already been done.
I was thinking tonight that I am going to die alone and depressed. And the alone part doesn't bother me as much as the depressed part does. It hurts so much. Crying quietly alone in the middle of the night doesn't get easier just because you have been doing it for almost the past decade. It still hurts as much as it did in hs.
I'm thinking of shutting down my facebook for a while. I visit too much and I am sick of it. I'm sick of watching my friends.
I just need to find the self motivation that Ash has and clean my desk and life so I can do art cause I haven't been doing much art. And that's depressing.

It's almost three am. I'm not very tired but I could fall asleep soon.
I took a job on Monday as a sitter. Every Tuesday 9-1 I watch two little boys. $12. I started yesterday. Earned $48, which is $48 more than I had. I'm not too keen on them. The boys are close in age and are very destructive. I'm not used to wild boys. They throw their toys at the walls! They like to have mud bathes in the backyard. Neither is potty trained. And on top of all of it they aren't even cute. I'm really hoping after a few weeks/two months or so that I can find something better. I know I am only 24 but I am getting really tired, tired of chasing children. I don't have the stamina I used to. I used to be a better sitter than I am now.
Got back from the Star Trek convention on Sunday. Over all it was good. Looking back on it, it was great fun. But while I was there it was hit and miss. Just small things that make me unhappy but I am already wanting to go again so I must have had a good enough time.
I believe I have watched the entire Sex and the City series. Sad. I love it, I want more. I get to watch the movie now.
I'm so tired. All I want to do is sleep and watch TV.

I'm in bed listening to Time Passing. No, not the clock its a group. Its up beat, happy, sex and kind of tropical. I love it.
I'm waiting for another episode of Sex and the City to load. I have been watching it religiously again. I just watched the ep. where Carrie tells Aden about her affair with Big. Its a hard episode to watch because you just love Aden and, well I have always liked Big, even though he is an ass sometimes. I'm watching them online cause I'm filling in the episodes I haven't seen and piecing the whole story together. Besides, I decided I need to watch the entire series before I can watch the movie. I'm sad, I only have three seasons left. I feel guilty watching a show about women and sex and relationships but I know it is fulfilling a curious empty space. Enough about a TV show. And hey, my online journal could become a TV show, couldn't it? I like to pretend it could.
So, on to another TV show. Star Trek convention count down, six days! I'm so excited! I found out today when I was looking at the convention site that the celebrity party I get to attend is at the top of the Las Vegas Stratosphere! Its free for the Captains Chair Weekend and Gold Weekend Package guests. It will have a few celebrities. My package's party is Friday (Gold's in on Thursday) and there are like six or so Trek stars attending the Friday night party ;eight or so at the Gold party, but its cool the stars attending the party I get to go to are ones that I "know" better because they were in the Enterprise series, which I liked and just watched recently. I'M SO EXCITED! We can go on all the rides as many times as we want and there is going to be lots of free yummy food! I am so excited, which makes me feel better because I had been feeling bad that we spent so much money to go. I am MOST MOST MOST excited to MEET LEONARD NIMOY ON SUNDAY! My mom is almost done with my costume! I got some boots for the costume (I have been wanting boots for a long time now anyway). I've never been to Vegas! I will get to go and have fun! and love Star Trek! and MEET SPOCK!!!
Tomorrow family comes to town to go to Sedona and to celebrate my grandmothers 80th birthday. I'm not thrilled to see everyone. My family is insane and I have been realizing a lot of them are brats who sort of use our grandparents for free vacations. Which really REALLY pisses me off. And Monica, who just married my cousin Daniel a year ago is a huge brat who is barely part of our family and is already trying to get more free vacations from my grandparents. Pisses me the fuck off. No one takes advantage of my grandparents. I love them too much. They are crazy but they are my crazy grandparents who I love. We have to have lunch with Daniel and Monica tomorrow. And then Sunday everyone is headed to Sedona. My mom, Jill, Daniel and I are only going for the day. Everyone else is staying for a week. I didn't want to stay cause my mom cant, she goes back to work on Monday. And because we go to Vegas on Thursday.
I've been bad and haven't been returning calls. Lots of people have called and left me voice mails and I haven't returned any of them. But I barely leave the house and the only people I talk to are my mom, my dog and myself.
I'm back to watching SATC. Night!

I'm deleting my myspace. I never use it. but here are the blog posts I did on myspace. just to keep them as a record I guess.



Wednesday, January 30, 2008

boast

I don't like to promote things, usually. I don't know why but recently I thought about Atonement. I saw it over winter break with my dad and I cannot get over how good it is. I feel like an ass boasting it considering that it has had its fair share of that already, but heavens it is good.
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Monday, November 19, 2007

Old posts out of an online journal
All I talk about is my stupid obsessions. I'm so sorry, I just don't have anything else to talk about. This is my sad pathetic life, watching people and wanting to be part of their lives but not actually getting to be.

I can only swallow my loneliness so much before it swallows me.

Oh my god my desk is a freaking mess. And I'm not talking a few papers I mean, paint on the desk (yes dried paint on the desk and bottles), three cups, two water bottles, a mostly empty bag of goldfish pretzels, pens (at least nine), three pencils, a million paint brushes, a dirty bowl, packing tape, cell phone, sunglasses, empty pop corn bag, papers, wash cloth, paint tray, bag of rubber bands, an over turned mouse pad, two cd cases, a dollar seventy six in change, okay I shut up now about what's on my desk. I can hardly push the mouse around or get to the key board.

I can't wait to get all my projects done because then I get to pack and then I GET TO GO HOME!!! Watch out couch! My ass is coming! I'm going to rot my fucking brain with TV!!!

Someone please tell me they love me…

I don't bother people with my problems, I write in this LJ and I don't force or ask anyone to read it, they do if they want to. I know I have it really good and I'm grateful for all of it, but it still hurts and it's hard. It is too much to ask for a friend, just one.
I should just get used to it, its going to be this way forever.

I hate myself, I should never leave my room, I should not talk to anyone, I should have no friends because my loneliness is over whelming enough that I don't need people who will only forget about me to…well forget about me and hurt me further.

Maybe I'm just tired, with a little bit of depression and loneliness mixed in, but that's always the combination.

Okay, sorry the swearing is a bit much. I know how it is to read these things when they are pasted together with cursing.

doubt I will ever see that umbrella Krystin drove off with ever again. I say this as if I'm attached to it.

but maybe I just need to take my Prozac.

Someone thinking I'm attractive, ha, nice try but I wasn't born yesterday.

Marcos walked into the lobby right after I got out there; he is the third person to notice my hair was darker…only three people; and I dyed it last week. I guess I'm more invisible than I thought.
I feel dead inside.
I feel like a worm or something smaller and more insignificant; but s'not like its any new feeling.

I made a "to do" list, hung it on the wall next to my computer it has all the stuff I need to do within now and spring break but I also put "stop being lazy" on there. However, I doubt that will get accomplished…ever.

Fuck, she didn't attack her, she didn't say anything except that the bug would move and you could kill it when you could reach it.

but I can only take so much disappointment and rejection. I think it's these Californian people that are the most disappointing, stuck up, self centered, spoiled people. I hate this place, I hate the people here, and I want to go home. I don't want to be here, I don't want to do stupid essays or reading assignments. I want a friend; I want someone or at least be able to like myself.

I was so pissed, that I couldn't go back to sleep. I had to put music on and count sheep just to try to relax and go back to sleep. But sheep number six was carrying a machine gun, ready to kill all the other sheep.

And here I am, alone in my god forsaken room.
I HAVE NO ONE
So, now I'm hungry and alone.
Maybe I will just go to bed, even though it's only fucking seven o'clock.

I'm already a miserable lonely fuck as it is, that I just…I just hate everything. "When you hate yourself, you pretty much hate everything.

"I hate myself AND I want to die."

I'm also bored and I would go out and do something (especially get food right now I'm fucking starving) but I have no car or money (not to mention friends).

I took two naps today, you would think I would not be tired but how wrong you would be. I think, no wait I KNOW it's because I'm depressed. Not that I actually have anything to be depressed about but that's depression for you, I guess. I should be happy, I'm at an art school, I only have classes for like three days a week which gives me a four day weekend, I have more than I need to be happy but I'm not. And I'm totally unmotivated to a damn thing. I just don't do work, I have more than enough time to do it, but I just don't; I don't want to and I don't see any reason to do it. I'm grateful for everything I have but I can't actually appreciate it because I see nothing good about it, I have no glimmer of any type of hope...for what? I don't know what hope, something that makes me want to get out of bed and do something.

There are more than enough people at this school, not to mention the dorms but I can't find anyone. I'm like a straw in a puzzle box; you don't know what its doing in there, some might save it because they think it's funny or they may need a straw some time, but most just disregard/dispose of it.
I wish I was motivated to do something, but I'm not.
What's a movie that makes me cry? ...I want to feel something.

When is this supposed to get easier or at least...less sad?
I went to the store to buy duct tape, they didn't have any. I bought water and fritos; five dollars and two cents.
-=oh my god, you're beautiful=-
I'm done, I'm done for today. I've had it. I will wake up, shower and tape my screen with this blue-two inch plastic tape and go to class without something to print.
Good night world, at least for tonight.

I feel like crap probably because I eat crap.

OH AND when Jess and I walked to the mall yesterday someone threw a pen at us. I fucking hate people. We get honked at, yelled at, whistled at, laughed at and now we get stuff thrown at us. Ass holes.

I understand she has a life, but at least call me to tell me you are an ass than just me thinking and knowing you are one.

just want to get out of this rut, and see some glimmer of happiness or hope somewhere.

You know, I just wish, for once that someone would like me, like I like others.

I wish I had a true friend, a best friend; someone that I got along swimmingly with. But I think, honestly I'm going to be stuck like this forever, alone. If that's the case, then I need to try and get use to it and stop dreaming of meeting someone that I will get along with. I really thought I would meet a friend in college, but I'm actually just as miserable if not more than I was before. I can't stand most of the people there; they are so…all the same and freaking college student typical.

Jess just tried to come in my room (which I locked the door) and got all pissed. What's wrong with me locking my door anyway? She called me childish (for doing that) again. I've never had a door to lock to a room, ever; not even in the house my mom lives in now, so I like having something to lock and I shouldn't be called childish for it.

The moral: make clear exactly what distance means. Fucking humans.

I had a dream last night that Jill and Grandpa Harvey died (separate but connected dreams). Jill died of a, I don't know, something like a young-freak heart attach and grandpa died of old age. I wasn't happy; I woke up and thought they were real; I called both of them to make sure they are okay.

was just going to leave him alone because when I'm busy and I need to get stuff done I don't want to get stupid emails from people that say "hey, I found a plastic dinosaur in the dirt ten minutes ago."

Sea told me that her best friend (Eva) from high school slept with this chick Suzie and now Eva's boyfriend dumped her because of it AND she told me that her best friend here (Marina) slept with her (Sea's x-boyfriend) Sonny and have become fuck buddies and apparently Marina doesn't see what the problem is, why Sea is ticked off.
Who cares though.


My mom had called earlier and so I called her back because I was pissed and needed to talk to someone other wise I might have just laid down in traffic.

My dad bought me a ticket to come home on the sixteenth or something because my mom was really depressed and wanted to die, so I'm hopefully going to surprise her in like twelve or thirteen days.

I'm so sad all the time; life doesn't get any better it just gets sadder because everything changes for the worse. Shit, now I am crying. And I just can't seem to do anything right, with any one. And I got a blister on my left foot from my walking today, but no one cares

My dad kept saying "why should I care?" (about my mom); and it really upset me. My mom says he still blames her for everything that happened and then proceeds to say that my mom is dumping her problems on me. Mentioning how he has to take care of me; that's what really gets me the HAVE or HAS to take care of me that it's his JOB. I want someone to like me, and care about me and want to take care of me because they want to not because I'm their fucking offspring and they are responsible or feel obligated or guilty to do such.

I need to find me. If I could just fine me, I could maybe be happy with me and not feel like shit all the time. I feel like crying myself to sleep, better yet dehydration.

When I was in the stairs this dancer came up to see if she could get to the roof, she asked if the alarm goes off and I told her that I never had the guts to actually try. She said sorry for bothering me, which she wasn't. She asked me what my name was and she said her name was Alisa, she was sweet.

Damn, I miss the mindlessness and time waste that TV is so wonderfully known for. This place sucks.
5:12 PM
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Saturday, November 19, 2005

rented movie
I just watched Mysterious Skin, its fucked up but beautiful.

I am so insecure. I hate myself.
I sent my portfolio to Disney TV. It's in gods hands now.
I cant lose weight, I am a pig.

I am so stressed out about the Disney TV portfolio. I realized today that the email I got was probably a mistake and it was meant for someone else. I feel about as confident as blind person driving a semi truck on an LA freeway.
And I am upset that my dad will not help me. I am going to have to beg. Even if he wont print it for me, maybe I can get him to help me compile and composite the pages and then my mom and I can take them to kinkos.
I am so stressed out. I am not good enough to get a job. So I don't even know why I am trying.

I would like for a minute to talk about some thoughts I have had about 2012.
I have been thinking about it off and on for about a week. My dad and I were talking about the direction that out country is headed. Which made me start thinking about the predictions of 2012. I was up all night a few days ago reading online about the predictions and by the time I was ready to sleep I had scared myself so that I hardly could. And then later I was watching Nature on PBS. It was about squids, cuddle fish, octopi ect and some of the octopi shown were so beautiful and amazing that I couldn't understand how a God who created such beautiful things and then kill them. And this thought confused, scared and comforted me all at the same time. If a God would create such wonderful things why would he then kill them? If the same god created and let dinosaurs be destroyed, how was anything else on this planet any different? The humans and the octopi are not exempted from that same destruction. I am excite by the thought of the rapture. I think it would be the most amazing thing to have to SURVIVE. Not live in our air conditioned houses obsessed with celebrities. But to fend off the earth and creatures and really struggle. But at the same time the loss of the comfortable, familiar world would be devastating. And if the world is going to fall apart in less than three years I realized that I don't have a lot of time to do things. I have always wanted to go to Egypt. So I looked up how much tickets were; $1,300+. And thats just airfare. At the same time of being afraid of the end...or whatever 2012 may bring I am excited.
Today I got an email from Disney TV asking me to send them my portfolio for a review they are having for directors and creators. I am trying not to get excited. I don't want to get my hopes up that this might go anywhere. And I am still mortified to get a job at a studio. I am scared that I am not talented enough, that I couldn't do a job. That I am just not qualified.
I am so sad about Michael Jackson's death. And I was relieved to hear that his children are not actually his. I knew all along that they couldn't be. And no, it was not the obvious visual aspect of it. It was a mental feeling I had. No the news was not shocking but I knew that those kids were not even half him. And maybe its just me projecting my own purity beliefs onto him. But I just couldn't see how he would allow himself to share his SELF, his talent, his genes with an over weight dermatologists nurse. And I am so saddened that he really didn't have a child of his own, because that child would have been as beautiful and as talented as he was...will always be. I have been up late on my computer and one of the things I do is watch any and all MJ videos I can find. And I know that he was someone unique. And I don't mean just hear on earth. I am convinced that he was a god of some sort. Or something we cant comprehend. And the reason his life here as a human was so hard was because he was sent here or allowed to experience mortality. All (or most or the ones I am aware of and/or respect myself) brilliant people are messed up and have problems and Michael was no different.

I wrote this to Jess last night.

I know. I can't believe he died. He was a truly exceptional being. I really believe that he was some sort of god or special deity or something else incredible that came to earth to experience mortality. All exceptional people, artists (in all senses) who are amazing and troubled I think are different than everyone else. How? I don't know. But compared to I don't know an average schmuck like idk one of my idiot cousins who will do nothing except be like everyone else, be what they think they are supposed to be and in their case, being Mormon girls will most likely marry and breed more average people. I know it sounds mean and it is but I don't think everyone is exceptional. Perhaps everyone is unique and special but there are people like Michael Jackson, you and myself ;) who are troubled, different and extraordinary. And not just artists, great minds with extraordinary brilliance fit into this category. And my theory is that these great beings have such troubles because they were perhaps granted a wish to be mortal...something they are not and to experience living in the mortal world is a great challenge. It's 4 am so if this sounds absurd then forget it. But its something I have giving great thought to.
Anyway. I miss you too.
The stories you just told about your sister and yourself putting on MJ shows! OMG amazing and adorable.
I really feel like we lost someone special.
And I know to the fans Michael was a pop star, idol etc but when I watched Jermaine address the press, seeing how hard it was on him to be doing that at such a sad time, his brothers death, that's when I cried. I cried because I knew that MJ was family. It's so sad. I can hardly stand watching anything on TV about him right now because its all gross. Its all a bunch of shit about how fucked up he was or how he was "covered in needle punctures" b/ he was a drug addict. And you know what? It may be true but it really isn't any of our business. Who are we all to scrutinize? You think we don't all have things we are ashamed of? Of vices that relieve pain or bring pleasure? I love Dr Pepper and it is so hard for me to stop drinking it. Sure Dr Pepper is just carbonated sugar water with caffeine but its a pleasure for me. It's no different than people who drink. Who do drugs. And like you said, it is amazing that he was even a functioning human at all for how public his life was and how fucked up his adolescence was. btw in 75' he was a babe!
Anyway. I will stop talking about him.
It's hard being at home again. My mom gives me crap for being up till five am. I am used to not being monitored. And its just my age and my cycle right now. I am not the only 24 yr old in the world who stays up all night and sleeps till noon. For the most part we get along but well maybe the dark hours of the night when everyone else is asleep is my alone time. I am a night person. My mom is a morning person. She gets up in between 5-6!!! But I don't like my mom coming into my room when I am in bed crying watching MJ videos.
But really nothing else is going on. I don't have a job. I am screen printing some thank you cards to mail to family who sent me graduation gifts (money). Most of the money is gone b/ I spent a lot of it on the Trek convention in Aug. And then the two weeks I was in Cali as a nanny for Steve I had no other money to feed myself so I used graduation money. I need to contact the families I used to babysit for in high school and see if they know any families who need or want a babysitter. I cant even think about getting a horrid retail job. I can't, it makes me sick to think about. At least with babysitting I only have to work (mostly) weekends, I can say no and no taxes get taken out.
I have been thinking about 2012 and how its supposedly supposed to be armageddon. And it excites and scares me. And if the world is going to fall apart then I need to get my ass to Egypt before I never get to see the pyramids. And like you said about seeing MJ, I really thought I might have been able to have seen him in my life time...don't laugh, but if there is a heaven or just existence after death I really hope I get to see/be with/meet Mr Rogers (yes the kids show guy) and now Michael. I cried like a baby when Rogers died.
I am such a spaz right now. Anyway so I looked up how expensive flights to Cairo are, round trip $1,300+. I gotta start saving if I want to make it there before the world possibly ends in less than three years.
Enough enough. I'm sorry.
I hope you are well. I miss you. Write me back. Tell me whats new and how you have been.
Love you
Lisa

ps thanks for reading my long, random, weird emails